


Bereft in a Sea of Possibilities

by Weeblswobl



Category: White Collar
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-02
Updated: 2011-08-02
Packaged: 2017-10-22 03:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/233079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weeblswobl/pseuds/Weeblswobl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neal and Peter cope with tragedy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bereft in a Sea of Possibilities

**Author's Note:**

> Diverges from canon before the end of season one (assuming Neal and Kate stayed together). Warning - major angst!

“I knew you’d be here,” said Neal, still standing in the doorway to the patio.  “Why do you insist on doing this to yourself?”

“Why not?” said Peter. That was his answer to everything these days. 

Neal continued to marvel at the irony that, since the accident, he had become the responsible one.

“She loved this view, you know.  I was never going to be able to give her anything like this for real, but when we were up here...” Peter took another swig of the beer he was drinking and took in the New York light show that surrounded them.

“Yeah, Kate used to say that being up here was like wrapping yourself in starlight,” Neal said, wincing at the memory that was still painful even after two years.  “Kind of hokey, but true I guess.”

In this most surreal of settings, Neal had that feeling yet again that if he just forced himself to wake up, he could escape the nightmare.  He and Peter would be standing on June’s rooftop patio under festive lighting, in the arms of their loved ones, wishing his benefactress the happiest of birthdays.  He wouldn’t be standing in the shadows, trying to figure out some way to keep both himself and Peter from falling apart.

It had been two years since a counterfeiter with very strong mafia connections ripped both of their lives to shreds in one afternoon.  Kate had insisted on helping Elizabeth with the party preparations, and as usual, the men in their lives were running late.   Competing with his wish to have Kate back was the wish to never have been in the car with Peter when they turned that last corner to find his house in flames.  He hoped to God he never saw that look on anyone’s face ever again.

The department psychiatrist had told him once that it was common for people with a shared tragedy to go their separate ways after they had dealt with their grief.   Instead, he and Peter had drowned themselves in their case load.  They didn’t talk about what happened much, but having someone around who knew exactly what kind of grief the other was going through had unintentionally strengthened their friendship in ways Neal never would have expected.

The anniversaries were the toughest.  He tried to get Peter to stop measuring his life by “months since”, and he had succeeded for the most part.  But tonight was a big one, and he was afraid of what Peter might do to mark the occasion.

“We were going to go to Paris on our 15th, you know. I had the hotel picked out and everything.  One of those overpriced, romantic little suites with a view of the Eiffel tower.”

Neal’s mind was muddled but he did the quick math in his head and swore inwardly. He knew everything about the man in front of him. How could he have forgotten about this?

The fear that he had been trying to swat away for the better part of the day suddenly exploded into a momentary panic.  It suddenly dawned on him that the close call earlier that afternoon was anything but.

“You almost died today,” he said simply, walking slowly to where Peter was still standing with his back to the patio.

Neal’s accusatory tone caught Peter off-guard and he turned around, a puzzled look on his face.  “Um, still here,” he held his hands up to exaggerate the lack of bulletholes on his person, “and not a scratch.”

“You didn’t know Jones was going to use the back entrance. You didn’t even know there was a back entrance,” said Neal, frowning.  “Cooper had a clear shot at you and you were fully expecting him to take it.”  Neal tried to ignore the slight tremble in his voice and told himself it was all in his head.

Peter’s face was half cast in shadow, but the eyes that looked back at Neal were full of an anguish only met by that of his own reflection.  Neal had expected Peter to deny everything and tell him he was imagining things.  But there was only honest pain on Peter’s face, and a look of being totally and utterly lost.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” he said, meeting Neal’s eyes and quickly looking down at the ground.

“You need to let go of this, Peter,” said Neal, one hand grasping the other man’s shoulder.  “It’s killing you.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” said Peter. Neal winced at the emptiness in such a simple statement.

“It is to me,” whispered Neal.  He moved the hand that was on Peter’s shoulder to the back of his neck, and put his forehead against his partner’s.  “I’ve lost Kate. I know that. But I don’t think I can lose you too.”

Within the loose embrace, he could feel the heat of Peter’s breath as his partner whispered one word, heavy with both abject sadness and desperate longing. “Neal….”

The kiss was sudden, though not unexpected and, surprisingly, not unwelcome.  Neal began with the softest flutter of butterfly wings, either a gossamer promise of things to come or a wisp of smoke to be easily fanned away if Peter so chose.  He felt the muscles in Peter’s neck begin to relax, and Peter’s mouth began to eagerly meet his own in a kind of tidal harmony.  Neal moved to caress Peter’s face and felt the tracks of fresh tears.

“Peter,” he said, pulling away, “it’s okay,” he said.  He knew his voice would break with the next utterance, but he didn’t care.  “This is not the price of my friendship.”  He knew his eyes were welling up but if he had misread the situation that badly best to straighten it out now.

“No, it’s not that,” said Peter, taking a deep breath.  “I miss Elizabeth. Holy God do I miss her.  But in all this, somehow I let you think I was settling.  That you aren’t the best damn friend I’ve ever had in my life, that I take you for granted.” He looked at Neal with haunted eyes, ”Why do you put up with this?”

“Because I’ve accepted the fact that you’re a pain in the ass?” said Neal, impishly. 

Peter let out a small laugh that was instantly muffled by another, much more languid kiss from his partner.  Neal felt the tension melt out of his body at the touch of Peter’s pliable form.

He broke the kiss, gathered Peter in his arms, and lying his head on Peter’s shoulder said, “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Then I think we’re going to be okay.” 

 


End file.
